Life Rules

Life rules could be a great name for Sitcom, but here it indicates the rules of living. If you think this would lead to salvation or make you extremely successful then stop reading. Most of the rules are applicable only to me. Hence do not practice at your home. It has taken more than 15 years of domesticated training and I still have not mastered many of them. As they say life is continuous learning process.

Rule # 1
No Dusts while there are Guests: Our house is impeccable except for the corners inhabited by me. The book shelves look like many bulls has recently visited them. My wife has made sure that they are kept under wraps so that nobody can stumble in to it. The arrangement is that she will take care of food while I am suppose to keep the home time tidy by the time guests arrive. I will labour away to glory and announce "Radhika, I think the only place cleaner than this is the operation theatre". Her nose will spring a tiny wrinkle when she clears the 3 feet dust ball from the corner. I think they materialize from a different plane when my wife does inspections.

Rule # 2
Appetizers (Starters) are for Guests: I also contribute to the preparation of food in two ways. The chief most is by telling "You make awesome bread rolls. Please make them for the evening". The second one is by getting out of the way. The guests arrive and then the starters are served. It always happens that the starter bowls are placed near me. This kicks in the primate instinct in me. I have known to growl and bare my fangs at the guests who make any attempt to dip in to the starters. My wife has tried everything; putting the starters under combination locks with the code known only to guests, using subliminal messages, to telling "Starters are for guests". I become a brave person and defy my wife fortified by the presence of guests and completely ignore her. As nothing has worked, am taking the cue from Tiger Woods and enrolling myself in to Starter de-addiction centre. My request to all my guests is that I will pay you off. Please do not bare any SMS text on the web.

Rule # 3
Pizza delivery slips are important than passports: This is the reason, I keep pizza delivery slips which is more than 10 years old in a safe location and my wife is in charge of the passports and other non significant documents like insurance policies

Rule # 4

Do not sleep before guests: I have sleep bomb which goes off exactly 10:29 PM every night. We would be in midst of animated discussions on such important topics like the correlation between the length of the cheer leader skirts to the propensity of the team winning in IPL. Then the clock would strike 10:29 and lo, I would be asleep. (Note to my wife: In my dreams the cheer leaders wear full length skirts). Fortunately, I have found a way around it. I have asked my friends to wake me up before my wife steps in to the living room. Even if it means emptying the champagne bucket on me.

Corollory to Rule #4

Even if you do sleep, do not snore. Even if you snore, make sure that it is within human hearing range. It is difficult to replace spectacles of my guests which have got broken by my snoring.

Turning Forty

I turned forty very recently. I was looking forward to it with trepidation as I have always heard that things will happen at 40. Actually, in my case, Things started not to happen. Here is a list of those

Enlightenment did not happen. I was told that I will attain enlightenment on reaching the momentous age. I in turn can dish them out to all especially to pretty young ones. I slept with a beatific smile on my face on the eve of the birthday. For months I used to practice the smile, before the mirror as it is important to give advice with a beatific and mysterious smile. I woke up the next day hoping to have a glowing halo around my head. Alas, there was no enlightenment. After a warm hug and heartfelt birthday wish, my wife politely told me to brush my teeth and remove the weird expression I was wearing. I am definitely going to ask for my money from the "Satisfaction guaranteed have a beatific smile in 7 days or your money back" course.

Affluence did not happen. I had planned my life and wanted to retire by 40 with a large mansion in Los Angeles, California and to date 7 playmates at a time. Obviously it did not happen because Hugh Hefner has already hijacked it by the time I turned forty. Moreover it was an unrealistic to imagine attaining it at 40, when Hugh could do it only at 107.

Fitness did not happen. I started assiduously to exercise from a week before the D-day so that I can be Usain Bolt by the time I hit Forty. I have an injured Tendon and a bruised shoulder. My gym instructor has strictly told me not to use any weights for doing strength training. I was not disheartened as I know as a diligent physics student that Atmosphere has lot of weight.

Maturity did not happen. I thought at my age, I will feel sagely and wise. Actually, I still feel like a small kid in the candy store. I do not expect women to pull my cheeks and make koochi koo noises but do expect them to give me a hug when they pass by. I am must have grown up a few years.

One realization was that "What nature takes away, it gives back in some form". My head lost some hair and my ear lobes gained. The other realizatin was life has been good to me; Meaningful marriage, fulfilling career, great friends who lift other than air in the gym and hence can lend their strong shoulders and my other two loves; running and writing which adds to the purpose and intent in life.

Forty was not bad at all. I look forward to 107 and hopefully Hugh's playmates would not have aged by then.

Frequently Asked Questions

I have been growing in my popularity. My blog hits have gone up by 100% from two to four. In order to satiate the innate curiosity of my fan, here are the answers to the Frequently Asked Questions. Discerning readers might have noticed the singular Fan in the last sentence. It indicates only one person; me.

Why are you called SalaryMan? Do you have any superpowers?

SalaryMan is the name given to all salaried folks in Japan. It is pronounced as Saa-laa-ri-ma-an in Japanese. You can know more about SalaryMan in here. As far as I know, I have only one superpower; to withdraw money from ATM. I am on a path of self discovery and might figure out other powers on the way.

Are you the only SalaryMan chronicling your life?

I wish I was the only salary man. It would have meant oodles of traffic to my blog and hordes of money from Google adsense. Unfortunately neither is true. One of my ilks who write regularly is http://foreignsalaryman.blogspot.com. The blog is breezy read for someone with a Japanese context.

Who is this Showa?

Again a Japanese context. The calendar in Japan is as per the year of reign of the emperor. I was born in the reign of Showa and hence have decided to give myself the same pseudonym. All great writers have creativity, perseverance, command over language and pseudonym. I thought I will start with the pseudonym. In case you are wondering the current calendar is called Heisei and 2009 is Heisei 21.

You seem to have a Japan hang over? Where do you actually belong to?

I am an Indian by birth. However I am a true blue global citizen and would like to work for the upliftment of everybody starting with me. (Wait, that is a mix up from the speech I am writing for the Miss Universe pageant winner. Guys, I strongly suggest that you visit the page, you will not be disappointed. The operative word here is swimsuit competition.)

You are a very brave person, writing always about your wife. How do you manage to do it?

My bravery is directly attributed to a substance called alcohol. Moreover my wife does not know the URL of the blog.

What will happen when your wife finds it?

As a true blue salaryman, I have a Plan B. I run long distance and am part of a group called Runners for Life. If you see me running hard with a pretty lady chasing me, it means that I have been found out. You can help me by saying to my wife that she was alluded as pretty in my blog.

Why do you want to write a book?

I have been misunderstood. I do not want to write a book. I want to earn millions of dollars. I figured out that there must be somebody out there who will pay me up to shut up.

What part of your writing you are most proud of?

That is a easy one. My five tweets to Gul Panag. She replied twice to me. You can also try it out here. In case you want to follow me and get more URLs like the Miss Universe one, please connect with me on twitter.

When are you going to stop?

I always stop at 500 words on my blog. I am definitely going to write every week till end of 2009. I might disappoint all of you and continue writing afterward too. All I can say is "Sorry".

Balance of Power

This is a flash back. Some of the events mentioned in this post are embellished and could be a figment of my imagination. My wife definitely thinks so. I would let you decide.

I was newly married. Being married was bliss. I could not understand the lament of many of my married friends. Life was a bed of roses except for the aunts. One of things which I abhorred about being newly married is all the old matrons giving a wink and asking "Any good news". My standard answer was always I read times of India's last page and it is filled with only good news with respect to Madonna, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They seemed to be increasing the population of their household through adoption. My reaction as a newlywed, when I read those news articles was "Lazy folks".

My father had advised me that the first week of the marriage decides the balance of power between the man and the woman. I took the advice very seriously. Hence when my wife brought up the discussion of doing it, my proposition was simple; once a week.

There shall be no excuses like headaches or I am feeling very tired. One of condition was there we should make it interesting with hot water or by trying out different brands. We even tried perfumed ones. The result was there for everyone to see. We became the model couple.

Women of the yore in India like to do it in the sitting posture. I prefer the standing one. One of the things which I like about India is that you can get hired help to do it. Missus and I made a pact to hire a nice person. Not that I did not want to do it.

I would request readers not to get misled. I was only talking about doing dishes here. According to my wife doing the dishes is ultimate proof of my affection to her.

As all married guys know that, it is important to prove your affection at every available opportunity. When my wife complains that my affection for her has diminished over the ages. My favorite come back is that "No way, I came back from the game in 2 hour 50 minutes, instead of 3 hours. I also spoke to you for 2 minutes continuously yesterday".

Two hoots to my father's advice. I do not care about the balance of power as long it can earn brownie points. Bring on the dishes.

PS Glossary: - Perfumed ones is Scented dish washing powder, in case you are wondering.

Bringing Reality into life

All the bright minds in the media industry are figuring out how to bring more reality in to TV shows. They are trying all kinds of stunts like getting actors to bathe under an artificial water fall or getting participants to bare their souls. The actors are ecstatic for getting a real opportunity to remove body odour through natural means. Baring is extremely important in reality TV. If life imitated art instead of the other way round, then the following could happen.

Every day would start with a heart thumping theme song. The titles would run simultaneously showing not one but scores of directors of your life; boss, spouse, teachers, children and Mother (in-law).

Life would become fairly uncomplicated and full of peace. Whenever my wife asks me to get out plates out for dinner, I uncannily pick up the wrong ones.

"Have you ever seen me put out these plates for guests"

"Er, No"

"Sometimes I wonder whether you live in the same house"

"Hmm"

I would then pick up another set of wrong plates. Life could be less interesting if we are able to cut out the 12 takes it takes me to put out the proper cutlery. The scene would be rewritten

"Wow, the place mats are perfect and the water is filled to the right level"

"Does that mean that I get to hog the TV remote without guilt?" I never miss a chance to cash any brownie points scored.

The possibilities are endless

1. We can have auditions to hire house help
   
2. I can scream "Let us meet on the other side of the commercial break" in case I am on verge of losing an argument which is very often.
   
3. We can get paid for multiple product placements around the house.
   
4. We can get the entire family to vote through SMS or Tweets on "who makes the best bed in the house".
   
5. We can call visits by Mother-in-laws as a wild card entry.
   
6. We can judge each other's chemistry and then blame it on the script
   
7. You can actually have a voice over from the Father when the spouse says that "You sound exactly like your Father "
   
8. We can introduce the guests in the house with flourish and actually get away by saying "The guest tonight is Mr. so and so and he would like to promote the sure shot way to beat the stock markets"
   
9. We can fire lots of complicated questions at the guests without repercussions. I would definitely like to ask "You gave me a PC game for the Birthday. Was it a recycled present?"
   
10. More importantly, you get to change the channels. All fellow males have a gene which makes us flip channels every 15 seconds. Just when the life would get interesting in the history channel when you forgot you spouse' birthday few years back, you can flip to the cooking show.
    

Go ahead and let your imagination rip and send me your possibilities. You and your thought could be featured on Salarymantale.

Also, please get in touch with me in case you would like to illustrate for my blog. It could then become our blog. You can get in touch me on my gmail account – Jaiseeker.

Running Jacks have a podium finish

I live in a very beautiful community called Jacaranda in a large apartment complex - Brigade Millennium. We formed a running team on the fly (with in 24 hours) to take part in the 4 x 5 KM relay race. The race was a mock up to the corporate relay race - Urban Stampede to be held two weeks later.

It was at a resort called Olde which is close to the Bangalore International Airport. The team consisting of Vinayak, Rohan, Subbu and myself assembled on time at 4:25 AM. Since we do every thing in style, we were accompanied by a Manager - Ram Prasad. The only team to do so. We did not equip ourselves with walkies talkies because our Manager pointed out the fate of Hansie Cronje when he used it.

The race was to start at 6 AM and that is what I thought at least. However the way I misread women's emotion, I misread the time too. We left the apartment complex at 4:45 and reached the resort at 5:25 and that is when I realized that the race was at 7 not 6. Thankfully the registration started at 6:15. The race was professionally arranged by Runners for Life, with batons, split timings, water stops etc.

The weather was really nice and the resort looks good. We decided that Subbu will start the race and pass the baton to Vinayak. I will run third and Rohan will anchor the race.We did a recce of the finishing lap before the start of the race.

The race started at 7 past 7. The race was on a pucca road but passing fields and nurseries. An occasional car or bike were the only things to remind us that we were in urban Bangalore. The course went uphill all the way till the U - turn point. It crossed some High Tension wires on the way which were making a constant hiss sound. The way back was down hill and hence easier.

Subbu and our Manager Ram ran with me during my leg. Subbu acted as my pace setter. It was incredible for Ram to do 5K on his first run ever. Way to go.


Subbu : 27:44
Vinayak : 29:48
Jai : 28:17
Rohan : 26:08

At a total timing of 1:51:57 we had a second rank podium finish. We could have done better as Subbu missed the entry to the resort and Rohan missed the return point of the race. The photograph of the proud runners' up with the team Manager

L to R: Subbu, Jai, Rohan, Ram Prasad, Vinayak

As my regular readers know that "Not only - but also combination" is the only grammar rule I know. Here is an example of my grammatical prowess.

Thanks a lot to Subbu who not only drove us all the way but also fed us. I am thankful to Ram who not only looks much younger than his age but also infused infectious enthusiasm in to the team. I should definitely thank cool dudes Rohan and Vinayak who not only helped us to the podium finish but decreased the average team age by 40%. :-)

Desperately seeking

I am desperately seeking illustrators for my blog. If you like my blog, draw well and do not have any hopes of getting paid, you fit like a T to the job description. You might be mildly famous though with around 500 hits on the blog every month. Please get in touch with me at google mail id; jaiseeker.