Saturday, March 27, 2010

Life Rules

Life rules could be a great name for Sitcom, but here it indicates the rules of living. If you think this would lead to salvation or make you extremely successful then stop reading. Most of the rules are applicable only to me. Hence do not practice at your home. It has taken more than 15 years of domesticated training and I still have not mastered many of them. As they say life is continuous learning process.

Rule # 1
No Dusts while there are Guests: Our house is impeccable except for the corners inhabited by me. The book shelves look like many bulls has recently visited them. My wife has made sure that they are kept under wraps so that nobody can stumble in to it. The arrangement is that she will take care of food while I am suppose to keep the home time tidy by the time guests arrive. I will labour away to glory and announce "Radhika, I think the only place cleaner than this is the operation theatre". Her nose will spring a tiny wrinkle when she clears the 3 feet dust ball from the corner. I think they materialize from a different plane when my wife does inspections.

Rule # 2
Appetizers (Starters) are for Guests: I also contribute to the preparation of food in two ways. The chief most is by telling "You make awesome bread rolls. Please make them for the evening". The second one is by getting out of the way. The guests arrive and then the starters are served. It always happens that the starter bowls are placed near me. This kicks in the primate instinct in me. I have known to growl and bare my fangs at the guests who make any attempt to dip in to the starters. My wife has tried everything; putting the starters under combination locks with the code known only to guests, using subliminal messages, to telling "Starters are for guests". I become a brave person and defy my wife fortified by the presence of guests and completely ignore her. As nothing has worked, am taking the cue from Tiger Woods and enrolling myself in to Starter de-addiction centre. My request to all my guests is that I will pay you off. Please do not bare any SMS text on the web.

Rule # 3
Pizza delivery slips are important than passports: This is the reason, I keep pizza delivery slips which is more than 10 years old in a safe location and my wife is in charge of the passports and other non significant documents like insurance policies

Rule # 4

Do not sleep before guests: I have sleep bomb which goes off exactly 10:29 PM every night. We would be in midst of animated discussions on such important topics like the correlation between the length of the cheer leader skirts to the propensity of the team winning in IPL. Then the clock would strike 10:29 and lo, I would be asleep. (Note to my wife: In my dreams the cheer leaders wear full length skirts). Fortunately, I have found a way around it. I have asked my friends to wake me up before my wife steps in to the living room. Even if it means emptying the champagne bucket on me.

Corollory to Rule #4

Even if you do sleep, do not snore. Even if you snore, make sure that it is within human hearing range. It is difficult to replace spectacles of my guests which have got broken by my snoring.