Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Nowadays, I feel like Salman Khan. Not that I immensely worried about upcoming Chinkara trial dates or whether Katrina Kaif is having eyes for Ranbir. I am going to the gym regularly and fulfilled my dream of doing bench presses. This is definitely the year when all of my dreams might come true, which is making me a worried man. I am worried about spending money on new clothes for my evening out with Deepika Padukone. I am also worried that I might kill somebody due to all the weight training I am doing.
a. The real gym addicts would die of laughter when they see the weight which I put on the bar for the bench press (It is thin air, if you want to know). Atmospheric pressure is not light.
b. Or, I might drop the bar on the lady doing leg lifts nearby
c. Or, the leg lift lady would kill me or the gym instructor
Lady after doing 15 leg lifts: “Aur kitna karna hain” (How much more to do).
Gym Instructor in a loud voice: “Madam, Aur 3 round karo, Thighs kam karna hain na” (Madam, Do 3 more rounds, you want to reduce your thighs right). As you might be aware it is dangerous to stare at the thighs (thinning or otherwise).
Gym also helps you to become good at Math. Not only you learn to count calories you intake but also the one you spend. Many of you must have noticed the “not only – but also” combination. Thanks to Wren and Martin, this is the one of the five grammar rules I know and use regularly. I was always enamored by the Wren and Martin. It was the first fat academic book I started reading. It never failed to impress my parents. I spent most of my time reading the comprehension stories at the end of the book and guys writing complaint letters.
I have figured out that making coffee consumes the most amount of calories. It beats doing laundry, putting clothes to dry, dusting, etc. This is because I make the coffee. My favorite come back that you do not help around the house has been to mop the sweat of the forehead and remark “But, I make coffee”.
I have already started day dreaming of doing celebrity endorsements once I complete 300 days of going to the gym. The issue is that only the following companies come to the apartment for advertising; Kaya skin clinic, Mimo (For mothers and mothers to be), Manipal Dental clinic and Strawberry clothes.
I cannot do Kaya Skin Clinic because it is sure that the only skin which has a visible glow is my thinning scalp. Radhika will definitely put multiple bolts on the door after pushing me out, for endorsing Mimo. Imagine pointing to a pregnant lady and saying “Try mimo, it worked”. I once bought a phone which was strawberry red in color and quickly got multiple propositions from guys with bulging biceps. I quickly decided strawberries do not agree with me as I do not want to feel like Boy George in a prison.
Of all the avenues available, I will do the Manipal because it would match with my post gym personality. My teeth would be infinitely stronger after 300 days of crunching them while trying to lift the gym mats. It is definitely in me to look confidently in to the camera and say –
We will make your tooth brighter and you wallet 250 rupees lighter
If you suffer from after-effects of seeing thinning thighs, do not despair
We will reset your jaw, without a flaw
If the above does not rhyme well, bring on the Wren and Martin. I am sure to lift it fifteen times at a go once I complete my resolution.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I have a life list because Readers Digest says so. I believe in the written word except for the India Today Survey which says that 30% of the women who cheat, do it with their neighbors. Either the survey is wrong or I have been living in the wrong neighborhood all my life time. These are the mentionable things which I would like to accomplish in my life time.
1. Run a
2. Write a book: When I met Radhika, I told her that I am going to write a book one day. She believed and married me. I have not done any thing except decide the title. Technically it could have been breach of contract but she chose to stay with me any way. Seeing no hope of any situational change, I have decided to go ahead with my writing. The only problem is that I want to do it the other way round. I would like to go on a world tour on book promotion, give cerebral lectures and participate in book signing before even I write the book. I also promise not to think about the money I would earn till I complete the book.
If you know of any publishers who are agreeable to my plan, you know where to find me.
3. Make my bed: I would like to make the bed in such a way that Radhika cannot find fault at all. In fact, I would like to get an Oscar for bed making from my wife. I am not talking about life time achievement but once would do. I am a realistic person you see. Countless mornings, I would have spent more than 4 hours making the bed and call Radhika for inspection. She would walk in and show me 63 wrinkles I have forgotten to smoothen out, the pillow cushions which is at the wrong angles. To my amateur bed setter eyes, the pillows would look perfect in their setting till I figures that the wrong angle is with respect to Pyramids. She would also point to the TV remotes, which I swear would have been put away from me. I think they develop wings and fly back in to the bed. I do not blame them, I feel like to doing it most of the times.
If you want to know the unmentionable life list, you can meet up with me. If you belong to the male species then you need to bring a beer. If you are a female, just come.