Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Axe Effect

If you think this blog is about the job cuts due to recession, you could not be more wrong. It is about growing pains.

It was a huge struggle when I was growing up. Imagine having the same daydream every moment of life – Scores of women chasing me. It is like having a remote with only one channel button. This was an anathema for a guy who changes TV channel every 5 seconds. I am actually waiting for the day when you could flip channels using brain waves. My wife once asked “Why the hell do you change channels every 5 seconds”. My answer was “#%$@ TV, I am not able to get its response time for less than that”. Needless to say she has given up on me.

I am no chick magnet. During college days, I looked like Clark Kent without the broad shoulders, bulging biceps and vulnerable look. Actually the only resemblance was the parted hair and stumbling goofiness. I always walked looking upwards so that a Kryptonite might hit and make me actually look like Clark Kent. There isn’t a Kryptonite which would have transformed me to Superman.

In order to resolve this, I turned to the most trusted source while surfing the TV– Commercial. It was for a deodorant called AXE which showed my day dream in reality. It also fulfilled Radhika’s dream also because the channel remain unchanged for 30 seconds.

It showed hundreds of women running and swimming towards a guy who sprays himself with Axe. Unfortunately for Unilever, perfumes and deodorants make me photo sensitive. Please do not confuse it with Photosynthesis. I do not make my own food. The proof is that I am alive.

In order to find a solution I turned to another trusted source - the Internet. I love the Internet which is filled with helping souls; they are waiting to make me rich by just surfing the net and/or help me last longer. After surfing the net for an hour during which time my net worth remained the same, I bumped in to a solution used by Queens (including Freddie Mercury) and Fashion Divas. I sprayed a mist of AXE and walked through it. My theory of proportional attraction is that if Axe-man can get hundreds to run and swim to him then I should at least get ten. (Note for Radhika: Not that I needed even one also as I have a doting and beautiful wife who also makes delicious food for me by non photo synthetic methods). After that every splash and every thud made me look around and rub my hands with anticipation.

All I got was a wrinkled nose from Radhika, sprained neck and chafed hands.

My wife did a great favor by marrying me. She must have seen an inner person which I did not see at that time – a guy with terrible sense of humor. Through this medium, I am begging her for one more favor; please do not axe me in spite of these blogs.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Right Choice, Baby

It is vastly surprising that Decisions gets made these days. Right from Coffee to Matrimony there are Six billion choices.

“When I was growing up” was the first choice for me to start this piece. I replaced it because my wife strongly opines that the process of my growing up is not completed still. I believe that a Man has to stand up for himself some times; especially when I have not told Radhika about this blog. So, when I was growing up there were only 2 choices for Coffee at home – Either you drink it or not.

A Coffee drinker makes a refined choice these days. The alpha males' order for Coffee goes like this:
The Coffee beans should belong to South Brazilian plantation and of 1985 vintage. The beans should have been picked by damsels swaying to simple harmonic motions between 6:37AM to 7:45 AM. The plantation should be equal opportunity employer and can employ males also, if they are certified to sway as per standards. I do not have the other details because the Alpha males do not divulge their secrets of their perkiness so easily.

Mathematicians can scoff on the statement for Six billion choices for Matrimony as it is close to population of earth. They might not be progressive enough to figure out that Matrimony can be between same genders too. However they are putting their skills to greater use as per the news article sent to me by an alert reader - The Mathematicians in Japan are working hard to make you look Sexy. This is what happens when you belong to a breed which came up with Sudoku. I kick myself for not taking higher Math. When I am caught ogling and asked “what you are thinking?” I can safely reply:

If you were born in Japan or a Brazillian plantation owner you would be quick to realize that it is the equation for Simple Harmonic Motion.

Not only one has their own personal choice but also the help of zillions of netizens to help them out. When I was still growing up, watching movies was an indulgence. I had limited money and was dependent on friends with similar taste and fatter wallet to decide on the movies to watch. Now, the trip to movie involves checking out the movie site, ratings given by other watchers, figuring out the fate of other movies employing the same spot boy and the astrological position of the Sun of the producer. As per my calculation, I spend close to 137 minutes to make the choice for a 90 minute movie. I then spend another 142 minutes to put my ratings in later.

Given the days of recession and my status of being currently unemployed, I do not have the luxury of choices. I have dusted my Math and Physics books and have started looking for a recruiter position in Coffee plantations in Brazil. I need to apologize for not using the right word for unemployed, as advised by numerous Job Search aid sites which is “I am between dreams”.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Writers' block

I tried lots of things including visiting a Doctor for clearing the block – writers’ block. Refined punctuation fanatics including the author who wrote “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” would be happy that the punctuations is right on in “Writers’ block”. I suffer from mild attacks of hypochondria once every hour which explains the doctor visit.

I searched “Times of India” for my favorite last page muse. Unfortunately none of the WAGs (wives and girl friends) of footballers and F1 drivers have paid a visit to the Doctor in the last week. Some of the cosmetic surgeons might even file for bankruptcy in case the trend continues. I am worried about TOI too, as the alpha males will not have any incentive to buy the paper then.

As I was left with no choice and to justify the money I spend on the paper, I turned to first page on the paper. It was to find out about a new 4 letter word discovered by George Bush (Jr) and P Chidambram – Shoe.

My ability to think bizarre situations might be directly proportional to the fall in the Sensex. The Sensex has the allure of all the alpha males because it has a sensual feel around it and it has been on rise for the past week. I am not complaining except that Satyam shares are staying exactly where they are.

I tried various positions. Before your imaginations run wild, I meant Yogic ones. All I got was a bad sprain. Fortunately for my publisher I am not writing a book. Otherwise he might to have to join the plastic surgeons soon.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Fame; Name of the game

I am quite a popular person, especially among the pharmacist community in Canada. The connection could be attributed to my Chemistry major in the University. I get scores of mails from them wanting to sell prescription drugs. The top of the list is the one which rhymes with Niagara. They send these mails which sounds like preamble in a Philosophy book. A typical mail would read –

The gust of wind sways the heart.
We ship anywhere at no extra cost.

My friend thinks that it is to beat the spam filters. I would have agreed with him if I had not known better. The pharmacists on the Canadian Internet have figured out that mind has to be in peace first before the body responds. I read the same magazine as they do – Cosmopolitan. All you alpha males can laugh, but I read the magazine for current affairs. The one that features Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Mallika Sherawat and Abhishek Bachchan.

Most of the articles written to rekindle the passion in the Magazine talks about going to an uncluttered room with a whiff of incense or nice perfume and then whisper sweet nothings to each other. Radhika and I read this article and decided to implement it. We are at the first stage of un-cluttering (not a real English word as per MS Word) the room. The only thing is that it is going on for the past 3 years. Radhika wants to throw away my precious scrap paper collection which has large number of telephone numbers, most of them without names. She has clearly told that there will be nothing sweet to whisper till we get around this imbroglio. I tried emotionally blackmailing her that it will have a negative impact on the Canadian Pharmacy Industry, but to no avail.

The other set of folks I am popular with are women. I did not believe it myself, till they started sending intimate picture of themselves. Some of them want me to marry them also.

As my blog is read by solid middle class citizens with great values, I cannot reproduce the picture or the emails here. My theory is that that they know I am going to very famous in future and want me to sign the pictures and send it back to them. Next time folks, please send your mailing address in a self stamped envelope. I am a struggling writer and cannot afford stamps.

I am sure the tales of impending fame and current level of stamp impoverishment has reached Africa too. The thing I like about these folks that they are way better than publishers. The publishers want to see a book outline typed on pages with one inch margin on both sides with no spelling or grammatical mistakes. The way I want is; they hand over the 20,000 dollar cheque without bothering about mundane things like actually writing the book. It is season for big advances. Mr. Ramachandra Guha – The person who wrote the awesome book “India after Gandhi” got a 200,000 USD advance for his new books. 10% seems reasonable. I can throw in a discount for Cosmopolitan though.

These friends who are in Africa want to share millions of dollars with me. All I have to do is write an email (not a book) to them saying I am game. Unfortunately for me and my Nigerian friend, Radhika wants me to earn the money by actually writing the book. As I do not have any book idea, my fervent plea to my fans in Canada is that, please do not send me a one line philosophical quote. It is difficult to develop a book with a single line. The wind doth sways my heart, but the pen requires more inspiration.