Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Points have always been a great motivator. I have more than 20 point cards. Some of them are rare and is available only to manic point collectors. Like the one I have for collecting points for parking my car at Shoppers Stop.
The other day I wanted to earn brownie points from Radhika, my wife.
Me:- Did you notice something?
Me: I did not do something especially for you.
Radhika: Other husbands do something special and the lot I picked does “not do” something special. Anyway what is it?
Me (in the tone used by Amitabh when he sacrifices his life in Sholay): I did not go for badminton today.
Me: Ok, hand over the dusting cloth, my points are depleted and I need to replenish them.
Some of the points which have been collected by spending needlessly on credit cards have been converted to a small clinic at home. We have state of the art – BP Monitor, Thermometer and Weighing machine which conveniently lies. It asks you – “How much do you want to weigh today”
Some of the other points have been converted to Kitchen stuff. My wife is extremely possessive of Kitchen space.
She has had her full with multiple timers, coffee maker and a food processor with blades which have never been taken out of the cover. Unless it was to show off my gadget freakishness to unsuspecting guests – “This extension can not only crush juice out of dry pomegranates but can count the number of seeds in them”. Radhika has definitely reached the tipping point and has informed me that she will start charging rent on any new buys.
Point taken, especially in the recession times.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The only certain thing in today's life is traffic jam
and losses due to Satyam scam.
Not only I can write prose but rhyme too. We men like to compare among other things - Time stuck in traffic jam. Favorite being, "You know I was stuck for 3 hours near Trinity circle", "It takes me more time to come from Hyderabad then from Bangalore Airport to home". If you think only women compare figures, think again. We men also like compare the figures – Salary ones. We also buy bigger cars because size does matter.
However nothing flummoxes me more than the process of buying birthday gifts for "You know who" (I read too many Harry Potter books). The choices are endless
• Should it be a surprise or should you take her along. The only problem is that shopping induces involuntary yawning in me which leads to catastrophic consequences.
• Should it be a diamond or as only the thought matters that we can get away with a single rose. I have come to a conclusion, thoughts are ephemeral but diamonds are forever.
• If it is a dress then should we buy the right size or flatter her by buying small
I am amazed at the fact women can do this so easily. They look at a person and gifting portion of the brain starts whizzing and tells them in no uncertain voice. The most appropriate gift would be tall wine glasses which are marked as cut in Bohemia and are in sale which is unknown to other 3 billion women on this earth.
My wife used to buy gifts for relatives when returning home for vacation from Japan. The receiver will go in to raptures. One time she bought small plastic oil cans for my Mother and her friends. I was laughing along with the baggage scanner in the airport. However my wife had the last laugh when my mother whooped with joy and became the neighbor hood navarathri heroine, while the well chosen vacuum cleaner by me got a cursory glance.
PS: This is classic Jai. It means that it is a rehash of an earlier piece written by me.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I am a left brained person at least that is what I think. This has been found scientifically by taking a cosmopolitan quiz which went like this. Take a spoon and gently tap your left side of your head and then your right side. Rate the sound you hear on a scale of 1 to 10 and multiply with how many times you spoke with your husband in the last week. My score was zero as I do not have a husband. I had to call up the helpline after going through an interactive voice response system for 12 days, the helpline person told me that husband can be substituted for partner. It is then I remembered that I got one word side ways in the last six months with my partner. The result is that my right brain is non existent and my left brain is the size of a pea.
The only way to over come the challenge of cooking during Radhika’s absence is talking to her on the phone. It is the time, I finish my quota of talking to her for the year. Talking quotas are very important. Here is the proof.
Radhika: We do not talk any more.
Me: It is not true; remember we spoke for 15 whole minutes when I made Sambar the last June
Radhika: Ah, yes
We live happily till the next summer vacation.
My instructions on the phone call goes like this. Wash the potato with water and cut in to pieces roughly the sizes 2 cm by 2 cm. At this moment, I will drop every thing and raid my son’s cupboard for a scale. You can understand the reason that the potato curry gets made in roughly 3 days. I had to order industrial grade thermometer because I burnt our normal one making Sambar. The other things used are multiple watches. All items which are being cooked has a watch by its side. If my wife or the recipe book says, cook it for 7 minutes then 7 minutes it is.
If you know the editor of cosmopolitan, let her know that I have managed to spice up my kitchen with my moves by sprinkling turmeric and chilly powder on the floor and can write an article – Get your husband to spice up the kitchen floor.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Like everyone else in
Good drivers are hard to come by,
You can always find a new wife
He also shares the following beliefs that all the motorists in
- He is always right even when going down on a one way street in the opposite way
- If you are involved in an accident then you broke a very important law. It is not the traffic ones but the law of nature. The law of nature which says that no two things can be at the same place at the same time
- All the other motorists are wrong
- Most of the others drive as they have address the call of nature this very second
- Traffic lights are optional
As a very compliant employer, there are very few rules set by me for Bangarappa. He cannot honk unless it is national emergency like the Indo Pak cricket match will get over by the time we reach home. The other one is that he cannot use his mobile phone while driving. It is good that at least some of the other fellow motorists also follow the rule. They use a hand free while attending to phone calls while driving. They get used to it so much that they use it even they are sleeping. The other day I saw a guy who made to the toilet with his hands free blinking from the ear and then the phone rang. He went about doing the business while on the hand free; he exclaims “What boss, long time, no see".
So folks, overtake a cattle head at your own peril, for Bangarappa could be driving underneath.