Sunday, February 20, 2011

Flying: The art of sitting back and relaxing

If God wanted me to fly, she would have given me wings and a million miles preloaded frequent flier card. It might looks like a simple sentence but holds lot of meanings. I believe God is a woman. This is because of my feminist belief and that is the way it is in my household. As to my belief in God, it depends on the extent of crisis or the times when the captain switches the seat belt ON during major turbulence in a flight.

I practice a peculiar ritual of kissing the ground after landing in any new place. I am no Pope but am mighty glad to be back on firm ground again. It can be safely presumed that I feel queasy about flying. I went to howstuffworks and figured out the science of flying. However it does not give me any succor, as flying defies the universal rule of gravity. The gravity rule is pretty simple all objects attract each other, especially if they are a celebrity and S** tapes.

There are four forces which are acting on a plane when it is flying; gravity, lift, thrust which actually gets the lift going and drag also known as airline profits. I know what you are thinking; spare me the science and let us talk about the tapes especially made by Kim Kardashian.

Long story short, all these four forces together gets the plane from one place to another. However sometimes the forces do not agree with each other and it causes turbulence in the air and tapes to be leaked on the internet. During this time, it takes all my will power not to grab the fellow passenger arm for comfort.

The airlines are also not helping anyway to sit back, relax and enjoy my flight. In good old days they used to feed you “airlines food”, but now you get it only in exchange for legal tender called Money. If this trend continues, then the day might come when this would be a common occurrence.

The flight attendant would say “We request the passenger in seat 32 A, swipe the card for the fuel for this part of the trip”
32 A: “This is not fair, we have not even begin taxiing. I do not enough balance in my card. I spend most of it buying water, oxygen, salted peanuts, safety instruction booklet, barf bag and the life jacket kept underneath the seat. I actually put the last coin I had, to recline my seat”
Flight attendant: “Sir, rule is a rule, if you do not have enough money, please pull out the pedal underneath your seat and start pedaling”

It would also be the day when Lance Armstrong will fly business all the time without paying a dime and also get to watch Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton tapes on his personal video system.

In the meanwhile, if you are flying and get to be seated near me then it might be a good idea to get arm guards and not only sit back and relax. My will power might give away.


  1. amazing job! read this the first thing when i woke up and "sooo" loved it!

  2. Your vision for the future is quite scary. Imagine having to swipe your card for a fuel recharge.

    I prefer being close to Lance Armstrong.

  3. Thanks, Purba for stopping by. Do you mean close or closer? Girl friend / Wife Armstrong might have issues with it and do you want to suffer Kim's tapes :)

  4. This is really scary and what makes it scarier is that is it might come true one day, when you have to pay for everything under the sun, why we might even end up paying for the sunlight and air. 'Breath tax'! Shudder shudder...

  5. Thanks, Zephyr for stopping by :).