Learning by Watching

It is been a habit for me to learn something new every year. The resolution for this year is to learn swimming. It is not that I have never tried learning it before. I have a solid foundation in theoretical skill of swimming. This has been acquired assiduously by watching the TV show Baywatch. Watching the bay on TV is not only therapeutic but also is educational. I was always moved by the heroism shown by the characters in saving folks who did not even have a theoretical knowledge in swimming. I go green with envy as I have never been saved even once, in spite of being better equipped – knowledge wise.

In order to prove my intentions to Radhika, I watched the show mostly on mute :-) . I share my admiration for the show with two other life influencing people on this earth – Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing. If you say, " Joey Who?" Then you have not partaken in an activity which has engrossed millions ; Watching the TV show – Friends.

All you folks can read Paul Krugman and Paul Samuelson to figure out the state of economy. It is Friends for me which gave me the direction of economy way back in 1998. If I had written a paper, there was a good chance I would have got a syndicated column to myself. I might have even won a noble too after changing my name to Paul Jayaraman. You cannot go wrong with the name Paul as the first name and the family name ending with N.

It is a great show where waitresses who are living in pecuniary wear designer clothes and jewelry. It elucidates the point which has resulted in the global economy going down the drain – Work simple, Live big.

The TV show has played a big hand in keeping my marriage fresh. Whenever Radhika says that "We do not do anything together anymore", I say "It is not true. We watch friends and some time we also hold hands while doing so". Sadly the response has never scored. I need a different line.

As you can see that I have learnt of lots of life skills from TV shows. I need to go to the pool now and drown at the deeper end and hope to be saved by a buxom blonde. If not the world would lose a great TV watching economist.

Until Death

My cousin lost her Grand Father recently. You will not find him in history books, but he left a mark on every one who came in touch with him. His singular achievement was to create a family which is a team. I am yet to come across another set of folks who are related by blood or marriage and celebrated life enormously. It is almost like magic. He instilled values like simplicity, gratitude and faith. I have been personally touched by his gestures and his blessings. In spite of his arthritic hands, he wrote for me and many others a hymn. The hymn has graced all the houses we have lived in. I find solace in the protection of the hymn. This blog post is an ode to a simple man whom I would like to emulate. God be with you, Mama.

In ancient times in India, everybody prepared for Death. Life was divided in to four stages;

Bhramacharya Ashram: It is the stage of learning and community living.

Grahasta Ashram: It is stage of married life and put the learning to practice and become a productive citizen.

Vanaprasta Ashram: It literally means facing the forest. It is the stage in which a person acts as a mentor. It is said that the person in this stage only give solicited advice.

Sanyasa Ashram: This is the stage when one would renounce everything and enter the forest to die.It is not that death is not pondered about during other stages. In games like Kabaddi and Kho Kho, players get out (Death) and come back in to the game (re-birth).

I like Stephen Covey for his advice; plan your life based on the person you want to have become by death. I think it is a sage advice and enables one to be centered both in moments of unalloyed joy and manic sorrow.

I read an amazing book by Bill Bryson recently which is titled pompously as "A short history of nearly everything". In this book the author argues that the purpose of life is to replicate. We are slave to our DNA and not the other way round. For the time untold, the double helix in the DNA has existed and replicated. The miracle of life gets the double helix to unzip and each strand finds its partner molecule creating new cells – The chemistry of life itself. It might come as a surprise to many that we share the same enzymes and life plan as a Banana tree or a Peacock. It is both humbling and revealing to know that the life is the same for all living beings.

We have differentiated ourselves by achieving a level of consciousness which is unmatched in the known Universe. My theory is that the Universe needs to know it exists. We are the medium through which it achieves this.

If the age of earth is compressed in to 24 hours, then as human beings we have been in existence for the last few minutes only. In order to make a lasting impression and compensate for meagre existence, we can create noble institutions, build successful companies, write ageless classics, create unforgettable melodies, establish new religions, find cure for cancer, figure out that E = MC2. However there is no need to despair if we are not able to. All one is required to do is live a contended life spreading peace and love, as Mama did. As DNA has proved, we are all the same. We are the life force of the Universe and exists through life and death.

The constant reminder of death should allow oneself to rise above foibles and achieve joy which comes through love and a sense of accomplishment. Here is a wish for every one of you – Become all you can.

Love at Nth Sight

The person who came up with the phrase Love at first sight was definitely not a mathematician. All of you know that Life is unpredictable. Love can happen at the second, third or the seventy fifth prime number sight. Hence, as a Mathematician it is easier for me to write "Love at Nth sight". I am an official card carrying Mathematician because I visit Wolfram Alpha at least once a day. It is from this great site that I found that Jlo and I share the same birthday. Some people would have whooped with joy after discovering about this about themselves. It became a great matter of concern for me. I did not want to be compared with Jlo by the posterior generation. Hence a quick measurement with the tape provided me great relief. Neither do I share her wealth, nor do I have been endowed with her assets. The "neither – nor" & "not only – but also" are few of the grammar rules I know and never fail to use them in my blog to prove my prowess.

Many people wonder what to do when love strike at the Nth sight. Here is a simple step by step guide for guys:

1. Wipe your glasses and look again. If you do not wear glasses, quick blinking would do.

2. If you still feel the same, round all your henchmen who carry their guns with impunity to visit the family of your smitten one I feel extremely proud of myself for being a new age writer. Discerning readers will note that I did not write girl but smitten one.

3. In case you are not from Sicily and do not read Mario Puzo then the best thing to do is to check out the online profile status. If it reads Married or Engaged then have a quick chat with your partner to resolve the situation. As far as I know Polygamy or Polyandry is illegal in most of the places.

4. Once you Single status is established, then check out whether the object (or subject) of your love shares your status. If not it is time to call the henchmen in.
5. Unfortunately, all love stories ends sadly. Normally the the love remains unrequited and it gets immortalized by Shakespeare or James Cameron (who will get an Oscar). Even Michael Corleone did not get his lightning. If not it might get requited you will get married.

Please do not wonder that there is no step by step guide for gals to deal with Love at Nth sight. I am in no position to give advice to women. Fourteen year of marriage has made me capable of only receiving advice from women. The current one being "Watch your behind, it might be growing".

Salaryman takes a break

This week SalaryMan takes a break from writing. I have an excuse - completion of Sunfeast 10 Run in Bangalore in 55:13. I always feel connected. The race made me feel that more with 7000 feet striking the pavement. I also feel proud to be in a country where a previously unknown person extends a helping hand without a second thought. At the finisher's lounger, we were caught without a camera. We requested an absolutely unknown person to take our photo and email it to us. Thanks Joseph for doing so.


Left to Right: The man with the cool glares and a halo around his head is Rajesh, Muscular dude flashing a victory sign is Subbu, The handsome guy pretending to have biceps is me. Only I am described as handsome because I write this blog.

All of us are MBA - married but available except for Subbu who is secretly available. Before any of you guys get any ideas, we are straight.

For our respective wives who might chance upon this blog - Available means available for running only.

PS:- Subbu came first amongst us with an incredible timing of 53. Rajesh kept looking for Deepika Padukone which made him run at 59. He normally burns the asphalt.

Creative Writing: 4 lessons you can live without

Michael Martin, the British Speaker had to resign for his handling of the “The Expense Report” scam. There is a lesson for all of us in this. First is it does not pay to be a British Speaker. It does not pay to be an Indian Speaker too. I have been one along with billion plus of my compatriots and have not been YET paid for speaking. On the other hand Bill Clinton gets paid millions of dollars for speaking. I guess it is the Universe’s way of balancing things. I do not also have smart interns working for me which also underscores the fact.

The second lesson is that Expense and Tour Reports creates more divisions in an organization than the CEO had originally intended. All the sales folks have their pet peeve against the accounts department. These are the people who will go to great lengths to prove that taking the space shuttle to go out of town is actually cheaper than taking the bus. “Otherwise, we would have missed the deal” is the common refrain. If countered with “We did not win the deal, anyway” would bring the rejoinder “We would miss the deal, more now”

The third lesson was taught to me in my management school. My professor Deven Dhanak used to say Expense account leads to extreme self confidence. To quote him “Every corporate executive reaches his peak level of confidence when flagging a taxi on an expense account”

There is a legend which goes like this (not mine, wish it was though)

Boss: What is this large amount on your expense account?
Sales Person: It is the taxi bill
Boss: Ok, I will allow it this time, but do not buy any more taxis in the future.

The fourth lesson is that writing tour reports is the ultimate exercise in creativity. I strongly recommend folks to write one in case you want to become a writer. If you are lucky you will write many. All I can say then is do not forget to bring photographs taken from space for your accounts manager kid's science project.

Current Events: You might be shocked

We had a running joke amongst the students when I was studying at B School. Studying is definitely a overstatement given the courses I had taken; Modern human dilemmas, Movie appreciation. The second one was not a course run by the institute but by us students. The joke was;
Me: I have stopped reading the newspapers these days
Fellow movie goer: Why?
Me: Same headlines
FMG: What?
Me: Times of India (TOI)

As regular readers of this blog would know that I like TOI a lot. Especially the last page where the paper writes about important events in a WAG’s life. I feel sorry for you, if you do not know what WAG stands for. It is Wives and Girl Friends. I always wanted to thank the editor for the uplifting photograph and pieces.

After the last page, I switch over to the middle page which normally gives extremely important life saving details Viz. Studies has shown that Viagra does not affect the eyesight of men. I feel it is total humbug. We men do possess roving eyes and are extremely proud of it. I am sure Viagra will only lead to more roving. As all of you know that Roving is a strenuous physical activity and would only contribute to strength and better eye sight.

I am actually thinking of buying a roving machine for physical training. The thought has not been converted to action because of TV Shopping. I am an avid watcher of TV Shopping channels. Here is another set of people who are interested in your progress by selling:

a. Sauna belts with Magnets: The svelte figured model promises that you can eat all the big macs and samosas and wear this belt. Voila, you will look like a Bipasha Basu look alike soon enough. Bad luck if you are a guy. Given such painless methods to acquire six packs why should I buy a roving machine.

b. Hair grower: This is not the actual name of the product, but I could not think of a better one. It typically shows a morose bald male who finally deduces that women are avoiding him like Swine Flu because he lacks hair. The TV presenter looking at the moroseness of his audiences throws in a Screw Driver set too. The whole deal looks too sweet to be true. The man orders the Hair Grower on the advice of woman who wears a Sauna belt. He goes on to apply the magic lotion on his head. The camera then moves in to future where he is shown with a shock of lush hair on his head. He is also accompanied by a blonde woman who requests him in a husky voice to tighten the screws in her house. Now you know why men like tool sets.

c. Revolutionary seating arrangement: This is an amazing product. The product converts itself in to Sofa, Bed, Yoga mat, Bar and also an F 16. Due to security reasons this product which costs all of 100 dollar is not sold in Taliban infested areas. You get a screw driver set with this too.

My only advice is that; do not indulge in carpentry work while wearing the Magnetic Sauna belt because it might get difficult to pry the bolts loose from it later.

I wrote bolts but wanted to write screws
To avoid the word overuse
Also prevent being misconstrued

PS: The first paragraph on TOI having same headlines is not mine.

Figured it out: Do not play jeopardy at home

I am sure that figures less than 10 catch people’s attention. It is the reason one comes across multiple pieces dispensing knowledge. The texts in blue are my thoughts while reading such pieces.

6 ways to get the job you wanted: It does not work if you want to be a male lead in a Priyanka Chopra movie. It did not work for AB Baby or John Abraham either. They got the movie part but only each other.
8 ways to make money (Even) in this stock market: Forget that the stock market exists and invest in bank deposits.
5 ways to make her tell “Yes” when she is telling “No”: You gotta be kidding. There is only one yes person in my house. I am not going let go of the job which I always wanted and the only one I have now.

In order to prove that I am not anti-establishment, here are my 2 ways to beat Recession.
You need to be a very rich person and in the market to buy a private Island. As this news report “For sale: tropical islands at recession-friendly prices” suggests that you can buy an Island at 50% discount. Hold your breath; not because you will be snorkeling but it is the same Island, Julia Roberts wanted to buy. This way you can sail away to your private Island and be out of reach of any recession. The additional advantage is that you can declare yourself as a separate country and print your own money with Julia Roberts on them. However I were you, I will take 2 precautions
a. Check the gas tank of the chopper for any stones
b. Print one or two denomination of money notes with the spouse’s picture also

You might say “But nobody is damaging my chopper because I do not have one and henceI am a good candidate for getting caught in recession”. It is for you the adage “A stitch in time saves nine” was written. You can ask what to stitch and what nine things it can save. All I can say 9 is less than 10 and it rhymes with time. As far as the stitch in time for you, to beat the recession is by marrying a rich person. If you are already married and your poor spouse really believes in “Till death do us apart” then you do not have any recourse.

Actually you have one; you can watch and emulate jeopardy. I am not talking about Double Jeopardy where the husband frames the wife for his own murder and then the wife seeks revenge by actually killing him. I am talking about the game show where the contestants are given an answer and they have to guess the question.

If your wife walks in a beautiful dress and then you blurt out “How big you look in the dress”. I promise you that your wife will not practice double jeopardy; she will kill you once for all. As far as I checked, Recession does not touch the dead.